Sometimes when raising other people’s children, it’s difficult to tell whether we are having any impact at all. Our kids often seem so mired in the aftermath of their trauma that we can’t see how to help them move forward. A recent study gives us hope that our simply being a supportive presence in our kids’ lives can make a profound difference…
In my last post, I talked about how we define and think through logical consequences. In this post, I want to discuss why logical consequences work well for kids who have experienced trauma. There are several profound benefits that make logical consequences better than either lectures or unconnected penalties that we often try to use with our kids…
For the next few blog posts, I want to talk about one of the most important techniques I’ve found for helping children who have suffered trauma, which is using the logical consequences of their behavior. In some cases, we simply need to stand aside and let them learn from the consequences, such as getting a bad grade after waiting until the last minute to complete a project. Other times, we need to actually engineer a glimpse (a safe glimpse) of how the world works. In my next posts, I’ll discuss principles for using logical consequences, but first we need to establish exactly what I’m talking about…
Our theme this month is making a commitment to our foster or stepchildren and setting healthy boundaries for them. But we always have to keep in mind that trauma can skew our kids’ reactions to our best efforts. Children who have experienced trauma generally respond to boundaries differently than those who haven’t. It’s crucial for us to understand these trauma responses while we are trying to protect our kids and provide structure…
Today is Tolkien Reading Day. It’s a good excuse for me to revisit my favorite author and think about what his writings and various fairy stories can teach us about this month’s theme of commitment…
As I discussed in my last post, commitment is the cornerstone of parenting in foster and blended families. However, healthy commitments can never be unlimited. We should love our kids unconditionally, but healthy commitments are never unconditional. We must establish healthy boundaries in order to protect and grow our relationships with our children…
When stepping into the role of a foster parent or stepparent, you may hear that all you need to do is love your kids. Love is wonderful and essential, but it is not enough. Love alone won’t sustain your challenging relationships with children who have suffered trauma. Commitment — unwavering, realistic, and bone-deep commitment — is the only foundation for building a healthy relationship…
An excellent article from Nature magazine explores the research showing that children benefit from risky play. Mental health professionals are discovering that children allowed to stretch their limits in uncertain and adventurous play benefit both physically and emotionally. Those opportunities allow them to develop coordination and spatial awareness, but also confidence and resilience. A study from Norway that spearheaded the field found that adolescents who spent less time in positive thrill-seeking — such as outdoor adventure — were more likely to take negative risks such as shoplifting. A more recent study from Britain found that during the COVID-19 lockdown, children who spent more time in risky play had fewer mental health problems…
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a sucker for made-up holidays, and this week is no different. Tomorrow is National Tell a Fairy Tale Day, and it prompted me to start thinking about what fairy tales can tell us about foster and blended families. I’ve written before about what fairy tales can tell us about being the mentor rather than the villain in our kids’ stories. Today I want to look at some of the other lessons that fairy tales can teach us about raising other people’s children…
An important principle in setting priorities for your foster or blended family is understanding how to balance everyone’s unique needs. Younger children, for example, need more of our time than older children. Children who have suffered trauma have more complex needs than children who haven’t gone through those experiences. In addition to the usual work commitments, school requirements, and extracurricular activities, we have to find time and energy to encourage emotional healing and building trust. To meet all of those demands, we need to remember some important principles…
This week of Valentine’s Day is a good time to remember raising other people’s children requires us to prioritize our marriage after self-stewardship but ahead of our children. As parents, we know that we need to put our children’s needs ahead of our own. We should not put them ahead of our marriages…
When talking about how to set priorities, I always start with core values and self-care (actually self-stewardship) as the foundation. The reason I put those two at the bottom of the pyramid is that we can’t adequately care for our families unless we first put in place the resources that we will need to draw from…