One vexing part of parenting is watching our kids make decisions that we know will turn out badly for them. Children who have suffered trauma seem to be particularly prone to making problematic decisions. How do we respond when our children insist on making life decisions that we simply cannot support? Below are some thoughts about how to keep lines of communication open with our children when we can’t agree with their decisions.
Once we’ve thought through what treating our kids the same means, we have to know how to communicate to them that we care about them equally. It’s particularly difficult when we are trying to blend step-siblings or transition a foster child into our home. The non-biological children are extremely sensitive to favoritism, and often see it when we don’t think it exists. They also tend to interpret any different treatment as unfairly letting someone else get away with breaking the rules. So we need to figure out how to communicate to our kids that they are a part of the family just as every other child in our home. As with most parenting challenges, there are few hard and fast rules, but there are some important principles that can guide us…
One mantra we hear as foster and stepparents is to treat all of our kids the same. It’s also much easier said than done. Stepchildren and foster children often will accuse us of treating our biological children as our “favorite.” It’s not a complaint we can counter with words. We have to live it out and let our kids see that we love them equally. But first, we have to look at ourselves and understand how to think about the problem…
It’s easy to talk about building good relationships with foster and stepchildren, but what if you don’t like your kids? It’s very difficult to find the motivation to build a close relationship, or even a marginally good relationship, with someone whom you don’t like. This dilemma is a more common situation that we want to admit, but we shouldn’t be surprised when it happens. I was fortunate in that my stepchildren were generally delightful, but I have parented foster children that I had to struggle to like and care about. While I never found a magic solution, I was able to find several principles that helped us move toward a more positive relationship…
One of the biggest challenges to parenting other people’s children is establishing a good relationship with them. One important foundation in forging a healthy relationship is to give our children plenty of space. I like to think of that space in terms of emotional space, physical space, and a space of their own, all of which I have found to be essential to any solid family relationships. This month, as we discuss principles for our relationships with our children, let’s start with how to give them that space…
One recommendation that stepparents hear frequently is “don’t overstep your bounds,” or “stay in your lane.” It’s an important principle to remember, but it can be frustrating because it’s rarely clear where your lane is. Furthermore, as your relationship with your family deepens, and especially as your children get older, that lane changes. So how do we as Plan B parents figure out where our lane is at any given time? This week, let’s discuss some principles for figuring out where we fit into our unusual and challenging families…
Given that Valentine’s Day is coming up, this week is a natural time to focus on appreciating our spouses. But sometimes we don’t feel very appreciative, particularly during the difficult journey of parenting a blended or foster family. One of my closest friends once confided, “I need a Valentine’s card this year that says, ‘I love you, even though you are absolutely completely wrong about our last argument.’” Many married couples can sympathize with that sentiment…
One of the most important ways to avoid conflict and strengthen your marriage in a foster or blended family is to agree on clear boundaries with your child’s biological parents. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for all of you. Boundaries support healthy relationships between your children and their birth parents, give your family members security and structure, and help avoid conflict in your marriage. In this blog post, I’ll explore why we set boundaries and which ones to set…
An important, even essential, part of protecting your marriage in a blended or foster family is to be certain that you and your spouse have agreed on ground rules in several common problem areas. Managing (and minimizing) these conflicts requires clear communication and solid agreement between the adults in the family. In this blog post, we’ll explore the most common areas of potential conflict where parents need to be on the same page in order to cultivate resilient family relationships and get through difficult times…
Last month, we discussed why self-care is an important foundation for a strong family. This month we’ll discuss why our next most important priority needs to be our marriages. Those of us with foster and bonus children need to make having a successful marriage a top priority, even ahead of our children. This principle goes against our instincts and our current child-centered culture, but it is the right thing for our families on many levels…
One of the most important things those of us raising other people’s children can do for ourselves is set clear boundaries of how we expect to be treated. Setting boundaries within foster or blended families can be difficult, but it’s an essential part of mutual respect and a healthy relationship with our family members. Furthermore, setting and enforcing personal boundaries can be an excellent way to model for our children the self-respect that they need in order to grow into resilient and happy adults…
One important, and very hard, self care skill for foster parents and stepparents is giving ourselves the same compassion that we give to our kids. Parenting any child is difficult, but stepping into a child’s ongoing story has its own unique set of stressors. Raising other people’s children is difficult, and we will not do it perfectly. Getting through the difficult times will require us to learn the art of self-compassion…