Helping Our Kids Navigate the Holidays

Holidays can be a profoundly difficult time, especially for our foster, adoptive, or stepchildren. No matter how wonderful we are as Plan B parents, their world remains fundamentally out of joint. Foster children and stepchildren in particular feel, whether consciously or not, that if the world worked the way it should, they would be with their biological parents and would not know us.  Adoptive children who are old enough to remember their biological families often will share those feelings.  Our children may have gotten used to having us in their lives, or they may only have gotten used to hiding their feelings. Either way, their world is not what they want it to be, and the heightened emotional intensity of holiday seasons amplifies this underlying reality.

As their Plan B parents, we have to respect those feelings and provide a supportive environment. It's not easy. Our impulse is to make the holidays grand and glorious for them through family traditions, and to somehow use holiday cheer to compensate for their trauma. We have to recognize that we can't do that. The best thing we can do is give them space and walk beside them as they work through their feelings. This approach, while counterintuitive to our instincts as caregivers, is what our family members need during holiday celebrations.

Understanding the Psychological Landscape

Children in our Plan B homes often experience what researcher Pauline Boss describes as “ambiguous loss,” a unique form of grief—mourning relationships that are physically or psychologically absent while still technically existing. Unlike traditional grief, where closure is possible, ambiguous loss creates ongoing uncertainty that can be particularly acute during family-centered holidays.

We know that our foster, adoptive, and stepchildren often struggle with loyalty conflicts, feeling that enjoying family togetherness with us somehow betrays their biological family. During holidays—times traditionally associated with birth families—these internal conflicts intensify significantly.

Be Prepared for Sadness

Prepare both yourself and your kids for sad feelings. Find opportunities to talk to them ahead of time and let them know that holiday stress and being sad are normal and acceptable. Kids don't always have the vocabulary to understand what they are feeling. It will be up to you to open communication, give them those words, and help them understand why they are sad during what is supposed to be a festive season. The concept of emotional literacy—helping children identify and name their feelings—is crucial here. When we provide language for complex emotions like grief, nostalgia, and conflicting feelings, we give children tools to process their experiences rather than being overwhelmed by unnamed sensations.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you let them know that you are OK with their being sad. Sometimes we are so anxious to give our kids wonderful new traditions that we inadvertently put pressure on them to be happy. Our kids end up trying to look happy for our sakes because they don't want to let us down. We all end up doing a lot of pretending that, although well-intended, is simply not healthy. We need to give our kids a safe space to feel what they feel.

Give Them Room to Grieve

Sometimes our kids need time to grieve for their lost dreams. Adults who divorce usually have to finish grieving for their lost "happily ever after" before they can move forward. Our kids are no different. They have to adjust to their lost dreams of a Norman Rockwell-type family. There's nothing we can do to speed that process along. All we can do is not get in the way.

Children process loss differently than adults—not in linear stages but in waves that may resurface at developmental milestones and significant occasions like holidays. Children may revisit their grief repeatedly as they gain new cognitive abilities to understand what they've lost. A six-year-old understands family separation differently than that same child will at ten or thirteen or sixteen.  They need time to move past painful memories before they can accept new holiday traditions and new memories.

Expect Behavior Problems

Kids may express their sadness and grief in all sorts of ways, including withdrawing, having temper tantrums, complaining (more than usual), or pushing boundaries (more than usual). Kids who have experienced trauma tend to act younger than their years anyway. During the holidays, you may see even younger behavior, a phenomenon known as regression. The latest research in trauma and mental health helps us understand why this happens. When children's stress response systems are activated—as often occurs during emotionally charged holiday periods—they may lose access to their higher-order thinking skills and default to more primitive coping mechanisms. This isn't manipulation or defiance; it's neurobiology. Their brains are literally responding to perceived threat, even when the environment is objectively safe.

We often see this when kids still have connections with their biological families, particularly if they attend family gatherings in different homes.  Those biological family connections are extremely important, and we need to encourage them.  We'll also have to give them emotional support as they navigate these competing holiday gatherings.

Try to give them some space for this behavior, but don't understand that their past experiences offer an explanation, not an excuse for bad behavior.  We need to provide accountability along with understanding. Our kids need the structure and reassurance of strong boundaries, and we need to be consistent. Be patient when their sadness and grief takes them outside appropriate boundaries, and compassionately bring them back. This balance—what developmental psychologists call "structure with warmth"—is essential. Research on parenting effectiveness consistently shows that authoritative parenting (high warmth combined with clear, consistent limits) produces the best outcomes for children, particularly those who have experienced trauma or disruption.  We need to make a child feel both understood and encouraged that he or she can live up to high standards.

Don't Take Their Behavior Personally

This principle may be the most difficult one for us to incorporate into our family dynamic.  When our kids withdraw or push back, we shouldn't take it personally. I know that it feels personal, especially if they tell us that it's all our fault. But we have to remember that the situation is not about us. It's just that, from the kids' perspective, we are the only people they have to blame. They can't blame their parents or themselves, and they lack the maturity to understand that sometimes the world just doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

This displacement of emotion is a common defense mechanism. Children often direct their anger and grief toward the safest targets—the adults who have proven they won't abandon them even when tested. Paradoxically, acting out toward Plan B parents may actually indicate growing trust: the child feels secure enough to express authentic (even ugly) emotions without fear of rejection.

As hard as it is, we just have to absorb their grief and anger until they find ways to resolve it. Clinical guidance on supporting children through grief emphasizes that our role is to be present, consistent, and emotionally regulated ourselves—to serve as what researchers call "external regulators" for children whose internal emotional regulation systems are still developing or have been disrupted by trauma.

Moving Forward

This holiday season, recognize that your children may not be capable of experiencing the happiness that you want for them. If and when they get there, it will be on their own timetable. In the meantime, you can only love and care for them while they make the journey.

Understanding the dynamic behind children's grief, attachment, and trauma responses doesn't make the day-to-day challenges easier, but it can help us maintain perspective and compassion—for our children and for ourselves.  We can find meaningful ways to support them, while doing our own work to find a comfort level with where our kids are in their journey.  Every small moment of connection, every instance of holding boundaries with kindness, every time we resist taking their behavior personally, we're contributing to their long-term healing and adjustment.

Success isn't measured in perfect holiday photos or manufactured joy of the season.  It's measured in showing up consistently, creating space for authentic emotions, and trusting that the work we're doing today—even when it feels thankless—is building the foundation for their future emotional health and relational capacity.