Why We Shouldn’t Worry About Teaching Gratitude to Our Kids

This time of year, I read and hear lots of questions about the best ways of teaching gratitude.  Parenting magazines and websites are filled with suggestions and techniques, all adding yet another thing to our list of what-we-are-supposed-to-do as parents.  Over the years, the best technique I have found is one simple word — don’t.  

I know that the advice is contrary to most of what you are hearing. After all, this is the season of gratitude.  We are all supposed to be counting our blessings.  Gratitude has a lot of psychological benefits.  If our children do not learn to be grateful, then they will grow into self-absorbed egotists.

All of those things are true.   They just have nothing to do with our job as stepparents or foster parents or adoptive parents.  Even if you are parenting an obnoxious and spoiled child, teaching them gratitude is not your job.  Or, more accurately, you have many other and more important jobs.  So take a pass on this particular task, even at this time of year.

Understand Your Child’s Perspective

The first reason I say don’t worry about teaching gratitude to a traumatized child is that the project is almost certain to fail.  After all, you are in your child’s life because their biological family fell apart.  Your son or daughter may not be emotionally ready to be grateful that you are in their lives. Until he or she is ready to accept you, trying to teach character virtues is useless.  No matter how grateful our children should be to have such a wonderful parent as us, they will not accept the situation until they are emotionally ready.

With foster children, the situation is even more stark.  What most of them want is for their biological family to be not neglectful, abusive, addicted, or whatever reason they ended up in your home.  It is very hard for them to be thankful for anything when the foundation of their lives has cracked.  Caseworkers, judges, and our friends may think that the children are incredibly fortunate to be out of their old homes and placed with caring foster parents.  From the child’s perspective, however, your home is an everyday reminder that the world does not work for them the way that it is supposed to.  Trying to teach them gratitude will simply underscore all of the things that they do not have.

Even the most benign techniques can make life more difficult for traumatized children.  If your family, for example, has a tradition of having family members share something that they are grateful for, then you may need to suspend the tradition for a year, or at least excuse your foster child.  Being forced to come up with something they feel grateful about when they are in a strange situation with strange people may be more than they can safely handle.

Focus on the Relationship

Our most important job is to build the best relationship we can with our children.  Trying to teach lessons like gratitude sometimes comes across as nagging, and often will hurt more than it helps.  Children who don’t have a relationship with us also do not want to hear anything about being grateful.  As one of my foster children once phrased it, “I’m tired of having to say thank you to all of the adults who claim they are trying to help me.”  Gratitude is like a decadent dessert.  It is wonderful in small quantities, but it is too rich for a full-time diet.

Traumatized children are also especially sensitive to being treated as charity cases.  I have had children yell, “Stop expecting me to be grateful to you,” when I had not been thinking that at all.  Usually, I was not even sure what words had prompted their anger.  Traumatized children view everything through their individual narrative, and it is hard for those of us on the outside to know how the narrative works.

Set An Example

Albert Schweitzer said once, “There are only three ways to teach a child.  The first is by example, the second is by example, the third is by example.”  We don’t have to use words to teach our children about gratitude; we can do the much more difficult task of modeling the behavior.  We can say, “Thank you” regularly to other people.  More important, we can say, “Thank you” to our children whenever we can.  Empty compliments are never a good idea, but when they do something praiseworthy, even if it is only the chore they are supposed to do, hearing “thank you” can be a powerful motivator.  

We can also express gratitude.  I discovered that telling my foster children that I enjoyed having them in my home had ways of reaching them when nothing else could.  Of course, my statements had to be genuine and fit the conversation, but once I started looking for opportunities, I was surprised at how many I found.  I could say, “I’m really sorry that you went through all of that, but I have really enjoyed getting to know you.”  When they rejected me, I could say, “I’m sorry and hope you change your mind.  I have enjoyed your company and I will miss it.”  So many of them were used to being considered a problem child or rude or ungrateful that it had never occurred to them that being around them could be a positive experience.  Also, the calculating lawyer side of my brain may have realized that it is harder to reject someone who says they genuinely like you.

Encourage Practical Actions

You can ask your children to do concrete things, such as write thank-you notes for gifts.  Don’t tell them you are trying to teach them gratitude; just say that it is the polite response.  You can also make it non-negotiable.  I have friends who, when their children receive presents for events such as birthdays, Boy Scout awards, or school graduation, impound the gifts until the children give them hand-written thank you notes to send on.  That’s a good plan for some kids, and a very bad idea for others.  My own track record was more hit-or-miss, but I always encouraged (I refuse to say nagged) them to develop the habit.  

Moving Forward

Gratitude is an important character trait.  Grateful people are happier and more resilient.  It is wonderful when our children can learn the trait.  When they cannot, however, we should take that lesson off our list of things to do or to feel guilty about.  Our best plan is to demonstrate gratitude whenever we can, but otherwise just keep our mouths shut.