What to Do When Your Child is Doing the Bullying
Another problem that we can face with traumatized children is that they can become the bully in a given situation. Children who have suffered trauma, particularly violent trauma, can learn the message that they have to be the one in power to avoid abuse. Or they can unconsciously develop bullying characteristics as a way of coping with their trauma.
The Link Between Trauma and Bullying
Research shows that kids exposed to childhood abuse or violence are more likely to engage in bullying behaviors, perhaps as a means of regaining control or projecting their unresolved pain onto others. Our kids who have suffered trauma are at a higher risk of both being bullied and becoming bullies themselves, creating a cycle that's tough to break without intervention.
For instance, one study found that nearly 20% of U.S. students aged 12-18 have been bullied, and those with household dysfunction—like exposure to violence—are significantly more likely to bully others, with rates showing victims turning into bully-victims at about 3.9%. According to another study, children witnessing domestic violence engage in higher levels of physical bullying, as if mirroring the power imbalances they've seen. These numbers underscore that trauma doesn't just scar inwardly; it can manifest outwardly in ways that harm peers, perpetuating a chain of hurt.
How to Help Our Kids
When our kids start bullying behavior, it can catch us by surprise. We usually see a different side of our children, and usually see their positive characteristics. We say to ourselves, “How can my warm and loving child be a terrible bully?” It's heartbreaking because we know our kids' hearts, but trauma can flip the script in social settings. Experts note that this duality is common; traumatized children might excel in structured environments like home but struggle in peer interactions where old wounds get triggered. This isn't about inherent "badness"; it's a survival strategy gone awry.
1. Good Kids Can Have Bad Reactions
First, we have to realize that reactions are just that — reactions to situations — not a character marker. Furthermore, situations change. A kid who is bullied today can be the bully tomorrow, and vice-versa. “Bully” has become an all-purpose epithet that covers a lot of complicated behavior. For traumatized kids, this flip can happen quickly; youth who've been victimized are more likely to bully as a defensive mechanism, blurring the lines between victim and perpetrator.
2. Don’t Take It Personally
The fact that your child is treating his friends badly doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. Children have agency, and they make decisions in their private lives that have nothing to do with us. So, deal with your feelings first before you try to work with your child. Or, at the very least, keep the two issues separated. Parents often feel guilt or shame, but remember, trauma's effects aren't a reflection of your parenting. Trauma-informed experts emphasize that acknowledging your own emotions—through journaling, talking to a friend, or even seeking therapy—helps you approach the situation calmly. Rushing in while upset can escalate things, so take that breath.
3. Help Your Child Work Through Their Feelings
When you are ready to talk to your child, how you approach the question will depend on lots of factors—like their age, the severity of the incident, or the specifics of their trauma history. But keep these important principles in mind, drawing from trauma-informed strategies that prioritize healing over punishment.
1. Encourage your child to take ownership of the problem. Don’t let him or her blame someone else, particularly the victim. Keep saying, “We are not talking about what they did, but how you reacted.” This discussion fosters accountability without shame. Redirecting focus to personal actions helps kids process their choices, reducing defensiveness. For example, gently probing with questions like, "What were you feeling when that happened?" can uncover trauma triggers, turning the conversation into a learning moment.
2. Avoid labels. As I noted above, “bully” is a simple word charged with a lot of emotion. Discuss the facts of what your child did, and explain how it’s wrong. Don’t get sidetracked with an argument about whether a particular label fits the situation. Studies show that labeling can reinforce negative self-views in traumatized children, who already battle low self-esteem. Instead, describe behaviors specifically: "Pushing someone isn't okay because it hurts them." This approach promotes understanding without defining the child by their mistake.
3. Work on ways for your child to fix the situation. They need to come up with ideas to repair the relationship or make amends. You can enforce consequences, but if you simply impose them without buy-in from your child, then you won’t accomplish anything. Their relationship with their friend will remain fractured, and their relationship with you will be worse. Apologies or joint activities can build empathy and repair harm. One effective method is guiding your child to brainstorm solutions, such as writing a note or helping the peer with something, which research links to lower recidivism in bullying. This collaborative fix empowers them and models healthy conflict resolution.
4. Leave your child with some dignity. Like all bad decisions, they can recover. A bullying incident (or two or more) doesn’t mean that they are terrible people or irredeemable. Children with trauma already are prone to think that their trauma defines them. Don’t let this mistake define them as well. Affirming their worth is key in trauma-informed care. Remind them of their strengths and past positives to counteract self-blame. Phrases like, "Everyone messes up, but we can grow from it," help rebuild resilience that our kids need.
5. Finally, work on social skills that can help avoid future problems. If our kids learn how to interact positively with their peers, they are less likely to be bullied or to try to use power against their friends. Incorporate role-playing or empathy-building exercises. Try teaching active listening and conflict management. Enroll in social skills groups if needed, or practice at home through games that encourage cooperation.
Conclusion
Bullying is a complicated subject, and it’s particularly hard when we are parenting children who already have endured loss. However, it is much like every other bad decision that they make. We have to find that balance between encouraging their self-respect while helping them fix their mistakes. Adopting a trauma-informed lens—focusing on safety, trust, and empowerment—can transform these challenges into opportunities for growth. Remember, with patience and the right support, our kids can heal and thrive, breaking free from trauma's grip. If things feel overwhelming, reaching out to professionals like counselors specializing in child trauma can provide tailored guidance, ensuring we're not navigating this alone.
