6 Ways to Help Our Children Transition to Adulthood
How to help our kids transition to adulthood has been on my mind lately, as we are currently helping a young adult who has aged out of foster care. Maybe I’m just getting old, but it seems to be a more difficult task for the current generation than for my kids who made the leap a decade ago. I’m seeing more research and hearing anecdotes saying the same thing. It seems to be a particularly hard task for children who have suffered trauma, many of whom are simply behind the curve on learning life skills.
Let’s go through some suggestions and techniques that I’ve found for helping young adults learn how to adult.
The Problem is Real
I don’t think my memory is faulty that it was easier to launch my older kids than current young adults. I ran across an interesting article about the different perspectives of Gen Z and their employers. In a survey of 831 full-employed Gen Z adults, 45% reported regularly having a parent talk to their current manager. A corresponding survey of 765 hiring managers found that 47% said Gen Z candidates lacked professionalism and more than 15% said they had seen Gen Z applicants use their phones during the interview.
These statistics fit with my experience. Young adults who came of age during the pandemic seem to have missed out on crucial social skills and preparation for professional settings. As one expert quoted in the article noted, Gen Z simply didn’t get the usual internships and other opportunities to learn how to build face-to-face relationships. Add that isolation to the overarching availability of electronics, and our children simply haven’t learned how to adult.
The problem can be worse for foster youth and stepchildren, who are dealing with the added burden of childhood trauma. Foster youth, in particular, face stark statistics: about 20% experience homelessness within a year of aging out, and many struggle with unemployment or mental health challenges. Stepchildren may grapple with loyalty conflicts or instability from blended family dynamics. All of these add to the burden of simultaneously learning self-sufficiency.
Develop an Adulting Plan
Like all large projects, we’re all better off with a plan. There are a lot of independent living programs out there, but not much research showing what actually works. The one recent study I was able to find reported that young adults aging out of the foster care system had better outcomes if they had received the following types of support: (1) vocational training or employment programs, (2) budget and financial management, (3) housing education and home management, (4) health education and risk prevention, (5) mentoring, and (6) supervised independent living. Let’s look at each of these in turn and how they might look as we try to help children still living with us at least part of the time.
1. Vocational Training or Employment Programs
Preparing for work is critical, even for our kids who are in school. As I’ve written repeatedly, we shouldn’t push all of our kids toward college; Career Technical Education (CTE) is an excellent option for many of them. But school isn’t the complete answer. Many young adults lack the skills or confidence to land a job after they finish school. To counter that lack, we should encourage part-time work or internships that teach work skills.
We also can help our kids practice job skills. Help them craft a resume, even if it’s just for a summer job, and role-play interviews. Teach workplace basics: punctuality, appropriate attire, and leaving the phone in their pocket. If they’re not completely ready for a paying job, assign tasks like organizing a family event to mimic workplace responsibility. Consistency is key—celebrate small wins, like showing up on time for a shift.
2. Budget and Financial Management
Money skills are non-negotiable, but many kids at home have never managed their own funds. Start by giving them a “practice budget.” If they get an allowance or earn money, have them allocate it for specific expenses—like snacks, entertainment, or savings. Use apps like Greenlight for teens or a simple spreadsheet to track spending.
As I’ve written before, I’m in favor of giving kids control of some of the money that we spend on them anyway. Younger kids have to budget that money to cover their own entertainment. We can give teens the responsibility for buying their own clothes as well as entertainment. Debit cards are an excellent way for them to learn how fast money can disappear and that they have to do jobs around the house to have more come into the account. Also consider opening a savings account and requiring them to save a percentage every month. I often required my kids to spend a percentage on charity as well. These small steps build confidence while they’re still under your roof.
3. Housing Education and Home Management
Our kids also need to learn housing skills. Teach them how to read a lease or budget for utilities by involving them in household bills. For example, show them the electric bill and explain how usage affects costs. Role-play calling a landlord about a maintenance issue to demystify adult responsibilities.
For kids who are already adults, I have had a hard rule that they need to be either in school full-time or contributing to the house expenses. I don’t like asking my kids to give me money (aka, rent). Instead, I give them responsibility for a utility bill. That way, if they don’t pay, the results are between them and the utility company. I usually start with a less-critical utility, such as cable, where I can have my own back-up plan. I’ve learned that it’s a great way to teach real world skills to young adults in ways that keep me out of the mix while still giving them a safety net.
Home management is just as crucial. Many young adults, especially those with unstable pasts, don’t know basic chores. Be sure your kids know how to do laundry and cook a simple meal like pasta or scrambled eggs. For foster youth, these routines can create stability. For all of our kids, we can help make these skills second nature before they move out.
4. Health Education and Risk Prevention
Navigating healthcare is intimidating, but kids at home have the advantage of practicing with your support. Show them how to book a doctor’s appointment or refill a prescription. If they’re on your insurance (or Medicaid, common for foster youth), explain how it works. For adult kids no longer on your insurance plans, help them navigate how to get their own coverage.
Mental health is critical, especially for those with trauma. Most kids are resistant to going into therapy, but encourage as much as they will accept. Help them navigate how to find and afford good therapists.
5. Mentoring
These last two steps are an inherent part of our jobs, and mentoring is one I’ve written about at length. We usually are our kids’ primary mentor, so build trust and be available. If they’re willing, set aside time each week to talk about their goals or struggles. Share your own mistakes, like the time you overspent on a credit card, to show adulting is a learning curve.
For foster youth or step kids who may not feel connected to you, community mentors can help. Programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters offer role models who understand their challenges. Encourage small goals, like applying for a scholarship or trying a new hobby, and celebrate progress. Learn how to listen, guide, and cheer them on.
6. Supervised Independent Living
For kids who live with us full or part-time, this step is where we put all the pieces together. We can let them learn adulting one step at a time while still providing a safety net. For not-yet-adults, simulate adult responsibilities through chores like planning a week’s dinners or managing the grocery shopping. For those who are already adults, give them responsibility for their transportation to work or school and a utility bill. For both, gradually increase their autonomy as they learn new skills. This builds confidence while they still have your safety net.
Final Thoughts
Helping kids at home transition to adulthood is a unique opportunity. They’re not out on their own yet, so you can guide them through vocational skills, budgeting, home management, health, mentoring, and learning independence in a safe space. For those with trauma, small, consistent steps are especially powerful. It’s not about creating perfect adults—it’s about giving them the tools to navigate life with confidence. By teaching these skills sooner rather than later, we can help them thrive when they finally are fully independent.
